


Please Forgive Me

by MissLittyKitty



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 21:22:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17732900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissLittyKitty/pseuds/MissLittyKitty
Summary: This story is based on something I read (by the life of me, I can’t remember where, I think it was Pinterest but I can’t find it anymore) that dealt with an idea of the super soldier serum having a side effect when procreating.





	Please Forgive Me

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for @wehaveabucky ‘s 2.5 K Challenge on tumblr.

Please Forgive Me

Characters: Steve x female Reader (1st person POV)  
Prompt: “Sorry doesn’t fix everything” (bolded in story)  
Word count: 2900-ish  
WARNINGS: pining, miscarriage (early stage), 1st person (if that’s a warning), fluff  
Author’s Note: This was written for @wehaveabucky ‘s 2.5 K Challenge. I’m sorry it took such a long time to get it done and I’m still not happy with it (especially the second part) but I hope you like it anyways 😊 

This story is based on something I read (by the life of me, I can’t remember where, I think it was Pinterest but I can’t find it anymore) that dealt with an idea of the super soldier serum having a side effect when procreating.

 

Please Forgive Me

The beard he’d grown out fascinated me. His hair – longer than I’d ever seen it on him – mesmerized me; creating an ache inside me. My fingers itched, longing to run through his beard; through the soft strands of his hair. And as much as I might’ve wanted to, I was unable to tear my gaze away from him. A sigh I hardly noticed escaped my lips.

How long had it been since our last time together? Had it really been over two months since I’d last felt his warmth surround me? Felt his strong arms holding me close? Heard his heart beat in his chest just as fast as my own? 

I yearned for it, for him. Wanted him, needed him. But at the same time, I knew that it probably was too late. Those times, those stolen hours of the night, were over. I, myself, as well as circumstance had seen to that.

I sighed again, by now I’d lost count of how many times in the last half hour. A throat being cleared across from me made me finally able to tear my gaze away from him and I found Natasha sitting there. My eyes widened, not having heard her approach, but she beat me to speaking. 

“I’ve been sitting here for two minutes and since then I’ve heard you sigh at least ten times. Why don’t you just go and talk to him?”

“You know perfectly well why not,” I replied, grimacing to get my point across before closing my eyes to counteract the burn of tears.

“You miss him.” Natasha’s voice was low, but her words reverberated as a scream inside my head, permeated me like an ice-cold shower, so that a shiver ran though my whole body. God yes, I missed him. I missed him so much. I wanted him, needed him to be by my side. But, as I’d just said, it was too late. 

A lone tear ran down my cheek despite my eyes still being closed and I quickly, angrily wiped it away with the back of my hand, a slight growl leaving my lips as I opened my eyes.

“It’s not so easy,” I told her. Another shiver ran up my spine and I reached for the glass on the table next to me, drinking the water in one long gulp as if I was suddenly dying of thirst. My palms, my whole skin felt sweaty, clammy even, while at the same time, a chill settled within my chest. 

“I know it’s not,” Natasha said and reached for my hand which was still circled around the base of the glass. She took it in her own, giving it a gentle squeeze. “But, Y/N, you’ve gone through so much alone lately.”

“Not alone,” I replied, shook my head and was able to send her a small smile. I gave her hand a slight squeeze. “I’ve had you, Nat.”

Her head tilted sideways, and she returned my smile, then rolled her eyes and heaved a sigh. “Come on, Y/N. That was pure chance. If I hadn’t been in the hospital unit when you schlepped yourself in, you’d never have confided in me.” 

She paused but stopped my interjecting at once by lifting her free hand and wagging a finger at me. “And you only did that after lots of prodding on my part. But I knew that I wasn’t the one you wanted, the one you needed to be by your side. I’m still not.”

Several more tears had broken the waterline and were rolling down my cheeks while she was talking. Sniffling, I used my own free hand to wipe at them, angrily, furiously. At the same time, my lips formed into a small, sad smile. 

She was right. I knew, she was right. But I was unable to react to her words. I felt frozen in place, indecision gnawing at my insides. Just thinking about approaching him in front of all these people made me dizzy. And I couldn’t shake the undeniably queasy sensation festering in the pit of my stomach. 

I felt a shiver run through me again and a cold sweat break out all over my skin. Looking down, I found the hand that had settled on my stomach trembling. 

“Y/N,” Natasha tried again, her pronunciation of my name sharp, almost threatening. My head shot up to look at her. “He needs to know. You need him to know. Talk to him. Tell him what’s going on and apologize.”

“Sorry doesn’t fix everything,” I gave back, shaking my head again. I averted my gaze and started to pull my hand away, but Natasha was having none of it. She held on to my hand, more tightly than she might have needed to. My eyes flicked back up to her face.

“No, it doesn’t. Not if you don’t mean it,” she said. “But just from looking at you, I know you do mean it. And he will, too.” 

Her words seemed to force my gaze toward him, seeking out his form in the crowded common room of Avengers Tower. He was still at the bar, still sitting with Bucky and Sam. But this time, I found him already looking at me. 

Our gazes met, held for a moment and he sent a smile my way before he rubbed the back of his neck and looked away, toward Sam. Seconds later, he focused on me again and when our eyes met for the second time, his smile still in place, I was able to return it. 

My eyes feasted on him, on his face. On the way his beard had left out those spots on both corners of his mouth. And how a few strands of hair flopped to the side, falling slightly onto his forehead. 

His gaze left mine and I watched him briefly saying something to Sam and Bucky before he stood. And, for the third time, his gaze found me while he strode through the crowd toward me.

This, as it seemed, was the push (or maybe rather pull) I’d needed because, when I realized what he was doing, I, too, rose from my seat, fully intending to meet him half way. 

Yet, a sudden sharp pain shooting through my abdomen had me doubling over and grabbing the table for balance. I cried out as the pain crashed over me like a wave and, subconsciously, one of my hands settled onto my belly. 

“Y/N!” Natasha called out from across the table. I just so noticed that she’d gotten to her feet as well and was rushing around to my side. And then, 

“Y/N, what happened?” He was there, right next to me and I stopped thinking, just latched on to him, grabbing handfuls of his shirt. His arms went around me at once, holding me, steadying me.

“Steve,” I said, my voice breaking as tears started to fall. Tears of pain, of embarrassment, of shame. Dizziness had taken hold, and I held tightly onto his shirt, my fingers almost cramping. 

“Steve,” I started again, white noise in my head nearly blocking out my own voice. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Steve.” And with the sensation of having something run down my legs, everything went black. 

\------

A slow, steady beeping noise was the first thing I heard when I came to. A dim source of light shone down on me from somewhere above and whatever I was laying on was soft, dry and warm. Some small contraption had been clipped to my left pointer finger and something, or rather someone, was holding my right hand between both of theirs. 

“Natasha?” I asked, my voice rough due to my dry throat. Whoever sat next to me drew in a sharp breath, followed by a sound of shuffling and the grip on my hand tightened for a second.

“No, not Natasha.” Upon hearing that voice, my eyes snapped open and I turned my head to the side so quickly, I almost saw stars. Blinking rapidly to clear my vision, his face came into focus and I took in his small, sad smile. 

“Hi,” Steve said and the beeping noise I’d woken up to accelerated. I simply stared at him, unable to speak, at the same time unable to look away. My heart was pounding in my chest and only gradually I realized that the beeping was in fact my heartbeat, made audible by the contraption on my finger. 

I felt the blush burn hot on my cheeks, and quickly averted my eyes before asking, “What happened?” My voice faltered on the second half of the question, the word a mere croak and a short cough tore from my throat. 

“Here,” he said at once, rising from his seat and releasing the hold he had on my hand. From the bedside table he procured a glass of water and sat down on the edge of the bed, placing his free arm around me for support. 

Once I was upright, he brought the glass up to my lips and I reached for it with both hands. My fingers brushed against his when I took the glass from him and I drained the water with a few gulps. 

“Better?” he asked, taking the glass and placing it on the table. Upon my nod, he started to get up, but I reached for him, took hold of his arm. 

“Don’t go,” I breathed, running my hand along the part of his arm I could reach. “Stay, please.”

He met my gaze, held it and the expression on his face, especially in his eyes, was so soft, so loving, and so sad I just couldn’t help it. I lifted my right hand to his cheek, running the pads of my fingers along his cheekbone, scraped lightly through his beard and rested it on the back of his head. 

“I’m so sorry, Steve,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper while my fingers played with the hair at the nape of his neck. 

“Me, too.” His reply was just as quiet as mine had been. Slowly, he reached up to take my hand from his neck. He brought it around to his lips, placing a kiss upon my palm before getting up and raising the headrest of my bed with the press of a button. He removed his hand from behind me, sat down facing me and reached for both of my hands. 

“Oh god, Y/N.” The words burst from him, laced with pain, with sadness, I felt the tears prickle behind my eyes. And when he bent forward, resting his head on my blanket-covered thighs, I felt the first tears run down my cheeks. 

“There was so much blood last night. At first, I thought you’d been shot,” he went on and I pulled one hand from his grasp to place it on his head and softly, gently carded my fingers through his hair. 

Steve sighed, his grip on our still joined hands tightening before he brought them to his lips and pressed a loving, lingering kiss to the back of it. After a few more moments, he lifted his head, my hand in his hair sliding down until it reached his biceps. 

Gingerly, he started to pull the blanket down and away from me until he’d found the hem of my shirt. Our eyes met when he peeled the thin fabric away, exposing the skin of my stomach to the chilly air. I drew a sharp breath, questioning, wondering where this was going. But then he leaned down and pressed his lips to the soft skin of my belly, tenderly; lovingly; featherlight. 

The air whooshed out of me like a bullet, accompanied by a barely stifled sob and the hand I still had on his upper arm, bunched up his shirt in a vice-like grip. 

This gesture paired with the look on his face when he sat back up and scooted closer to me, told me everything I needed to know. But, more than that, it forced words out of me. Words I should’ve spoken to him so much sooner, “I am pregnant.” 

As soon as I’d said it, I halted, hesitated as I remembered what he’d told me mere minutes ago: ‘There was so much blood.’ Fresh tears welled up in my eyes, several running down my cheeks as the implication fully settled in: this new life which had been growing inside me…my baby…our baby…was gone. I wasn’t pregnant anymore. 

Lips pressed into a thin line, I felt my lower lip start to tremble while tears simply streamed from my eyes and, eventually, a sob escaped. At once, Steve’s hands framed my face and he wiped away the moisture on my cheeks with the pads of his thumbs. 

“Y/N,” he said softly, “don’t….” He interrupted himself, looked down for a second before meeting and holding my gaze once more. “There…there is something you should know about…well, about me.” 

Steve paused again. I saw him swallow rather hard and I took hold of one of his hands still framing my face. This seemed to encourage him, because a small smile appeared on his lips, although it never reached his eyes. 

“The reason why you lost the…our baby….” He said it slowly, deliberately, as if he, too, needed time to wrap his head around it all; to realize that, for a very short period, there had been a new life created by the both of us, together. He sighed, shook his head as if to clear it and continued, “It…it’s most likely to do with the serum. I…I had someone do some tests. It’s not totally certain yet but…it’s something I wouldn’t put past Dr. Erskine to have done. To prevent the bad guys from breeding an army of…you know.” 

He removed a hand from my face and gestured at himself. “And especially considering what happened to Bucky…although that’s a slightly different serum….” He trailed off and averted his eyes. His shoulders slumped, and he bowed his had as if in shame. 

Despite everything I’d just heard, I sat up straighter, leaned toward him and took hold of his face with both of my hands. He met my gaze but remained silent, just looked at me. I, too, stayed silent, took in his appearance for the first time from up close. He looked so different with the beard and longer hair. It made him seem older, so much older. Yet, his eyes – those two deep blue pools of emotion – were the same. 

“Why…why did you have yourself tested and when?” I finally asked him in a quiet voice and I could’ve sworn, he blushed a little. 

“The last time I was in Wakanda before I brought Bucky here. And why…well, I…ever since we started this…thing between us…I mean, I just…I wanted to know, to be…I don’t know…be prepared if…if it maybe ever got serious?” 

This time, I was sure he blushed. I smiled before leaning in and pressing my lips to his, kissing him with all I had. He responded to me at once, opening to me, deepening the kiss and wrapping his arms around me to pull me closer. A shiver ran through my whole body and I hummed into the kiss. 

“I love you, Steve Rogers,” I mumbled against his lips, fully intending to break our kiss but he didn’t let me. His mouth chased mine, one hand running up my back to my head and into my hair to bring our lips fully together again. I let my hands glide from his face down his neck to settle on his pecs and he tightened his hold on me. 

“Y/N Y/L/N,” he murmured against my skin as he slowly moved his lips across my cheek, “I’ve loved you since our first night together.” 

I jerked back, eyes wide, mouth agape and stared at him, for a moment at a loss for words. “You mean the night…”

“…you fell asleep on my shoulder while we were watching ‘Gone with the Wind’,” he finished, a smile crinkling up the edges of his eyes. “It was the best nights sleep I had in a long time.”

“But that’s…I mean, that’s almost a year ago and….” I trailed off when he averted his gaze and fiddled with a crease in the blanket. 

“It took me a while to…get a move on, yeah. And still, I kind of failed. I…I never meant for it to be just a…to be just sex. It was more to me, right from the start six months ago but…I don’t know. Whenever I’d vowed to myself to talk to you about us, about our relationship, something or other got in the way.” He looked up at me then, smiled sadly and shrugged. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

I returned his smile but instead of a reply, I place a brief kiss to his lips and pulled him into a hug. He gently moved his position so that I ended up laying half on top of him with my head resting on his shoulder, forehead pressed against the side of his neck. His arms wound around me, he placed his cheek on the top of my head holding me tight. I breathed in his scent, relished the warmth of his body and the comfort his embrace, his closeness offered. 

I lost track of time, had no idea how long we stayed like this, just holding each other, breathing each other. Eventually, I head him sigh and then his voice, asking quietly, “So, where does this leave us?” 

“Just right here, in this moment,” I replied in a whisper. “Together.” 

“Together,” he repeated and added, “Always.” 

“Always.”


End file.
